Author: Russel Kealoha

Russel Kealoha is one half of the dynamic duo that is Two Beer Queers. If you love beer, or even if you are an occasional drinker, you owe it to yourself to check out the expert video beer reviews over at!

Russel Gives You Five Reasons To Race To See Fast Five

Five Fast! Five Furious! Five Fast! I’m Five Fast For Y’all Man! I remember watching Fast and Furious for the first time. It was a movie filled with cheesy dialogue, acting, and action. I LOVED IT. To me, it was everything a summer movie should be. Your eyes open wide at the various action sequences. You smile when you see all the pretty ladies and buff sweaty mens. You cringe when a cheesy line like “I live my life a quarter mile at time” is spoken. When the theater lights come back on, you look at your friends and tell them how bad that movie was, yet how much it oozed in it’s awesomeness. That is how I felt coming out of the theater after viewing the 5th installment of the Fast and Furious franchise, Fast Five.

The movie starts where Fast & Furious (4 Fast 4 Furious?) ends with Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) being driven out to a prison and Mia (Jordana Brewster) and Brian “The Buster” O’Conner (Paul Walker) getting him out. They all make a run down to Rio De Janeiro, they get mixed up with a gangster trying to kill them and a US federal agent (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) trying to catch them. Toretto and O’Conner create a team to take down the gangster while running from the law. Then, chaos ensues…

Things I Loved:

  • The overacting. It was a penis sword fight between Vin and Dwayne on who could be more over the top. I believe Mr. Johnson won that battle.
  • The cheesy dialogue. It was so bad it was good. My favorite line from Vin is when he tells someone where they are. Dwayne’s cheesy line talks about things he eats for dinner.
  • Bringing back all the fan favorites from all the previous movies. It felt like a pop culture, hip-hop, sexy version of Oceans 11.
  • Non-stop action from beginning to end. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the action was way over the top. Big deal! Eat your popcorn and enjoy the ride. Not every movie needs to be logical. Some just need to be fun and fun this movie was.
  • The Dwayne should also win the award for sweatiest person in a feature film. Over the top sweat? Mission accomplished Roc…er Dwayne.
  • Things I No Heart:

  • Might have been a bit on the long side. Should have been 10-15 minutes shorter.
  • Final Thoughts:
    What I loved the most of this movie was that it brought back the aspects of the first and second installments that made the franchise popular. We have cars, action, cheese, rinse and repeat. I feel the franchise may have lost its way after Tokyo Drift and was trying to salvage the franchise in Fast & Furious. Fast Five felt like the installment that Tokyo Drift should have been. You want to start summer movies right? Start with this one. BTW, come for the movie, but stay for after the credits. You don’t want to miss it.

    Russel Shouts I Am Number Four!

    When I first saw the trailer for I Am Number Four, I shouted “Straight To Video!” What a dumb name with an unoriginal story. To make matters worse, when I saw the Michael Bay produced title card, I thought, oh great, over the top action sequences followed by a slow motion victory walk. It’s going to be one of “THOSE” movies. I was invited to a screening of the flick and against my better judgement, I went. I left the theater thinking, It was one of “THOSE” movies, but it was also pretty damn good.

    Story: John is an alien from a planet that was destroyed by other aliens (Mogas). He masks himself as a high school student on Earth to hide from the aliens. As he grows he discovers that he has special powers. He falls in love with a girl in a small town and must now save her as well as the town from this episodes evil villain. Sound familiar? I was waiting for the part where the audience is introduced to a bald white friend named Rex Ruther, but…

    It all makes sense when you realize that Miles Millar and Alfred Gough helped write the screenplay, based off the book of course (Miles & Al are the co-creators of Smallville for all those not in the “know”). But where does the Superman parallels end and the I Am Numero Quatro begin? When John Smith discovers his Iron Man photon hands and is being chased down by a bunch of strong, but dumb, aliens that look way to much like the Romulans from Star Trek.

    John is 1 of 9 aliens from his planet, that live on Earth, that can destroy the Mogas. 3 of them have already been killed. He. Is. Number. 4. Not only does he have to save his town and the girl he loves, he must find his fellow numerical aliens, so they can combine their powers, and destroy the Romu… er… Mogas for good.

    It’s not an original story at all. But, sometimes, it’s how you tell the story that makes you WOOT WOOT!

    Directing: I give D.J. Caruso some credit. He could have just totally channeled Michael “Blow things up every 5 minutes” Bay and be done with it. But, he did not. He took the story and turned it into a kind of cheesy-lovey-dovey-teen-action-scifi-flick that is very visually appealing to the eyes. Don’t get me wrong, shit blows up, but it’s not over done like only Mr. Bay can do. There’s just enough action to keep your adrenaline pumping. Some of CG was campy, but for a Sci Fi flick, it was acceptable. The story has it’s cheesy emo moments, but it’s a teen flick. Get over it! The first 15 minutes are a bit of a drag, but things start rolling and end with you really wanting this movie to do well. Is there a slow motion victory walk at the end? I don’t tell tales out of school. Indeed.

    Acting: Not much going on in the acting department. Everyone played this straight up. No uber huge emotions, but no flat acting either. Alex Pettyfer, who plays the role of John, reminds me of a skinnier version of Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum reminds me of a skinnier version of John Cena, but I digress. Tim Olyphant plays John’s mentor Henri well. Through out the movie I was wondering what the hell was up with his eyes? Their freaking huge! Dianna Agron, plays the love interest, Sarah. Not much to say about her acting other than it wasn’t horrible. Teresa Palmer, who plays number 6, is not only an uber alien babe, she suffers from an acute case of Badassery! She’s there to kick ass, look good, and recite the single best one liner I have heard in any movie in a long time. I heart her.

    Overall: It’s not an original story. It has it’s cheesy moments. The acting wasn’t great. The CG wasn’t perfect. But the way the story was told and the pace that it kept made it a sleeper hit movie for me. It’s a fun pop corn movie that you can see with your family and or friends and have a good time. I left with a good feeling inside. I was hoping it was the photon Iron Man beams coming out of my hands. It was not. Sad Panda.


    Russel Weighs In On Black Swan

    I’ll be honest, I wanted to see the lesbian scene more than I wanted to watch the movie. Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman? That’s comparable to the first Olympic Dream Team. But, I am also an Aronofsky fan boy and I was not disappointed. Black Swan is a psychological masterpiece of awesomeness. One of the best movies (Lesbian/non-lesbian scene) of 2010.

    Story: Nina (Portman) is a ballerina whose life is consumed by dance. She is chosen to replace prima ballerina Beth MacIntyre (Winona Ryder. Still smoking hot!) for the production of Swan Lake. Nina is perfect for the role of the White Swan with her perfection and innocence, but lacks the sensuality to play the Black Swan. She must be able to play both Swans. A new dancer, Lily (Kunis), who impresses the artistic director (Vincent Cassel), is a perfect fit for the Black Swan. Can Nina get in touch with her darker side to become the perfect Black Swan? Or will Lily take her role?

    Directing: Aronofsky has not lost his touch. In fact, he seems to have added to his repertoire of the visual mind fucking. He takes what he has learned from The Wrestler and Requiem For A Dream, throws in some subtle and not so subtle visual effects, and has created a film of beauty, obsession, and turmoil. One of the best visuals of the movie for me was the camera pans in the dance studio. If you turn a camera in a room full of mirrors, you will eventually see the camera in the mirror right? Not in Aronofsky’s studio you won’t!

    Acting: Black Swan is the ballet version of Star Wars: Episodes 1-3 and Nina is Anakin Skywalker. Yes, I said it. Natalie Portman does an excellent job in portraying the role of Nina. Nina is obsessed with perfection. But she not only has to be perfect in a good way, she also has to perfect the darkness with in her. Portman takes us on that journey from Anakin to Darth Vader in a tutu and you feel every emotion she feels. You feel the confusion, the anger, as well as the obsession to be perfect. Mila Kunis as Lily was good, too, but I’m not sure why she is up for awards for her performance. The only real big acting she had to do was smile as she’s entering the muff diving contest. This movie was on the shoulders of Portman, and she knocked it out of the park.

    Score: Probably one of the best of the year. Chilling during those dramatic moments, yet still fitting throughout the movie. Aronofsky knows how to pick creepy/cool music. This movie is worth a second viewing alone just for the music. But we all know why it would get repeated viewings right? Yeah… quit lying to yourself…

    Sex: Yeah, let’s address the elephant in the room. The lesbian scene. Was it hot? Yes it was. Was it what made the movie? No. Did it help? You’re damn right it did! There is a another scene of Nina, how can I put this lightly, double clicking her mouse, that I thought was way hotter than the actual lesbian scene. WAY HOTTER.

    Overall: Great movie. This is probably my favorite movie of 2010. If your looking for that psychological mind fuck, then this is the one for you. If your into girl on girl psychological mind fucks, then stop reading this review and go watch the damn movie!

    Russel Out!

    Special Guest Review: ‘Drag Me To Hell’

    Editor-in-Chief’s Note: It is my pleasure to bring you this guest review of Drag Me To Hell by the ever-awesome Russel Kealoha. Russel is the co-host of my new favorite video podcast, Two Beer Queers. Each week, Russel and Bully do a fantastic job of reviewing some of the best beers out there. Whether you’re a beer connoisseur or just a casual imbiber you will want to check them out each week. Many thanks to Russel for taking the time to write up this review. Enjoy! – Joe


    Off and on reader, first time reviewer. Wednesday, I had the chance to see Sam Raimi’s Drag Me To Hell. Not only was it a movie, it was an experience that could only be summarized as a slow decent to the gates of the desolate one. Getting these passes was like pulling teeth. It was an endless game of Twitter tag and verbal abuse. When I finally got the tickets, we had to wait in a long ass line. I hate lines. I hate lines like the day is long. Screw it, free movie, $20 dollar popcorn, mother trucking Sam Raimi, I take my seat as relief washes over me. Before I begin, for those of you who are still living in a cave, Drag Me To Hell is Sam Raimi’s PG-13 dark comedy/horror movie. Christine Brown, played by Alison Lohman, is a loan officer who evicts a creepy old lady from here house, gets cursed by the creepy old lady, and now must find a way to lift the curse before a giant ghost goat comes to…are you ready for this? DRAG HER…TO HELL! DUN DUN DUUUUN! Yes, if it sounds silly, it’s because this movie is very silly.


    I went in this movie thinking it was a full on horror movie, but it is truly a dark comedy. Every scene that startles you is either gross out horror funny or a cheap scare because of the loud screeching music. This movie does not take itself seriously, and you shouldn’t either. The acting was very so-so. Justin Long has more personality in his “Mac vs PC” commercials than he does in this movie. To quote the great Peter Griffen, “It was very shallow and pedantic.” I tried to root for the protagonist (Lohman), but watching her get messed with by scary goat man and scary old lady was nothing short of hilarious. As I left the theater, I wondered if it was hard for Sam and Ivan Raimi to not call this movie I Did My Job And Now I’m Getting F***ed In The Ass By An Old Lady And A Goat Man! I don’t want to get into any spoilers, but almost every scary scene eventually turns into a WTF comedy moment, even when it comes down to an animal sacrifice (Hate me now PETA!) it’s still laugh out loud funny. The climax of this movie is VERY predictable, but the steps to get to the end are well done. When I reached the last scene of the movie and the closing credits, I was very satisfied with the outcome. The outcome being the conclusion of the movie and that I didn’t pay to watch this movie. Is it worth full price? No. Matinee? Maybe. Netflix? Yes. If you’re looking for a good gross out laugh and some old school Sam Raimi dark comedy, you might want to check this out. Thank you Sam Raimi, you truly did drag me to hell.